Lesson 1 Self-Soothing
4
Special Note to Instructor
There is some controversy regarding the Marshmallow Study and why some kids could wait and other kids
could not. Some researchers believe that some children cannot wait for a reward if they don’t trust that the
person offering the reward will give it to them. Other researchers believe that the child’s ability to wait is an
indicator of a child’s ability to manage internal urges for the benefit of delayed gratification. Others believe the
ability may rest in how positive the reward is over the current offering. Ultimately, there is no one answer as to
what motivates a person to choose immediate gratification versus delayed gratification. However, regardless
of why a child waits, those who can wait have been shown to have better life outcomes.
Discuss the concept of waiting
Why couldn’t some kids wait? We can’t read their minds, but let’s brainstorm some reasons why you think they
couldn’t wait. Or, why can’t people wait in general?
If time permits, write their answers on a flipchart or board. There are no wrong answers.
Encourage their answers to include:
1. Physical hunger
2. Emotional excitement, especially if someone really likes marshmallows
3. Mistrust of the person who is supposed to bring the second marshmallow
4. Experiences with parents or caretakers who are not trustworthy
5. A general lack of stability in someone’s life. One researcher stated, “If you are used to getting things
taken away from you, not waiting is the rational choice.”
6. If you grow up in a family where there is not enough to go around, you learn that you better eat it now
or there will not be anything for you.
7. For some people, they believe the word “wait” means “no.”
Let’s talk about the emotional side of waiting. Emotional reactions are quick, almost instantaneous. A person may
not even notice that a decision was made. Some emotional reactions can include increased heart rate, feeling something
in your stomach, or muscle tightness. They may cause a person to take a sudden pause or become confused. Emotional
reactions are hard to explain they vary with each person. They also vary from situation to situation. When emotional
reactions happen, it might mean that something from the past is interfering with the present.
Waiting and You
Waiting is a challenge for many. Most people have had moments when they have been impulsive: eating the next
cookie, doing something risky, deciding not to take good care of themselves. If a person is particularly hungry, angry,
lonely, or tired, they are more likely to be unable to wait.
We know there are moments in which quick decisions happen. These are the times when there is no thought
about the consequences. Can you think of times when it would have been better for you to wait? Or, can you think of
a time when you were thankful that you did wait?
Discuss the research results
Remember, I said that the researchers kept track of these kids for the next twenty years? They did find some big
differences between the lives of the kids who could wait to eat the marshmallows and the kids who couldn’t. What do you
think the researchers found about kids who could wait? How were their lives different? Allow time for brainstorming.
4
Special Note to Instructor
There is some controversy regarding the Marshmallow Study and why some kids could wait and other kids
could not. Some researchers believe that some children cannot wait for a reward if they don’t trust that the
person offering the reward will give it to them. Other researchers believe that the child’s ability to wait is an
indicator of a child’s ability to manage internal urges for the benefit of delayed gratification. Others believe the
ability may rest in how positive the reward is over the current offering. Ultimately, there is no one answer as to
what motivates a person to choose immediate gratification versus delayed gratification. However, regardless
of why a child waits, those who can wait have been shown to have better life outcomes.
Discuss the concept of waiting
Why couldn’t some kids wait? We can’t read their minds, but let’s brainstorm some reasons why you think they
couldn’t wait. Or, why can’t people wait in general?
If time permits, write their answers on a flipchart or board. There are no wrong answers.
Encourage their answers to include:
1. Physical hunger
2. Emotional excitement, especially if someone really likes marshmallows
3. Mistrust of the person who is supposed to bring the second marshmallow
4. Experiences with parents or caretakers who are not trustworthy
5. A general lack of stability in someone’s life. One researcher stated, “If you are used to getting things
taken away from you, not waiting is the rational choice.”
6. If you grow up in a family where there is not enough to go around, you learn that you better eat it now
or there will not be anything for you.
7. For some people, they believe the word “wait” means “no.”
Let’s talk about the emotional side of waiting. Emotional reactions are quick, almost instantaneous. A person may
not even notice that a decision was made. Some emotional reactions can include increased heart rate, feeling something
in your stomach, or muscle tightness. They may cause a person to take a sudden pause or become confused. Emotional
reactions are hard to explain they vary with each person. They also vary from situation to situation. When emotional
reactions happen, it might mean that something from the past is interfering with the present.
Waiting and You
Waiting is a challenge for many. Most people have had moments when they have been impulsive: eating the next
cookie, doing something risky, deciding not to take good care of themselves. If a person is particularly hungry, angry,
lonely, or tired, they are more likely to be unable to wait.
We know there are moments in which quick decisions happen. These are the times when there is no thought
about the consequences. Can you think of times when it would have been better for you to wait? Or, can you think of
a time when you were thankful that you did wait?
Discuss the research results
Remember, I said that the researchers kept track of these kids for the next twenty years? They did find some big
differences between the lives of the kids who could wait to eat the marshmallows and the kids who couldn’t. What do you
think the researchers found about kids who could wait? How were their lives different? Allow time for brainstorming.
