35 Copyright 2023 Marline E. Pearson Irritations and upsets—little day-to-day happenings—have a way of pushing our buttons and erupting into big arguments. How can you deal with these, so they don’t hurt your relationships? Here’s a way to understand what’s going on and how to handle them. Issues and Events Events are the small day-to-day happenings on the surface that start arguments. • I saw you talking to Sabrina…I bet you’re cheating on me! Issues and problems can lie under the surface of a relationship. Distribute The problem is most people don’t address their issues directly. They tend to only talk about it when an event pushes their button. It erupts, and they argue unproductively. • This couple has jealousy issues. They haven’t really defined the relationship nor clarified expectations. Hidden Issues: Sometimes, the issue is something much deeper under the surface—something they never talk about. • This couple’s hidden issues: Are you really committed to me? Do you really love and care about me? When two people keep arguing about the same thing, it’s often a sign there is a hidden issue they need to talk about. Hidden issues are about needs: Can I trust you? Do you respect me? Do you care about me? Love me? Recognize my efforts? Accept me? Who has the power? Who is in control? Are you committed? How to Deal with Issues • Don’t talk about the issue or try to solve it when you’re all riled up. • Use time-outs to calm down. Ask yourself if there are hidden issues. • Set a time to talk. Use the Speaker Listener Technique. Give Daily Appreciations! When people feel appreciated, it’s easier to deal with the issues and problems of life. Arguments— What’s Really Going On? Sample Do Not arguments—what’s really going on?